Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
