new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
babies were throwing up all over the place
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
