The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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