No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Randomize
