My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
