Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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