I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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