My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
There was a lot of him and a little penis
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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