1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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