she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
