i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize