I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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