can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We have started to decorate penises.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
