i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
