You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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