she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
3 2 1 whiskey
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
