Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
