I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
