More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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