So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
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I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
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I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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