Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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