she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
