no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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