I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
