I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
