I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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