i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
