I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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