This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
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