Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
