I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
