this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
