We won't sleep together?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
