toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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