the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
