shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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