yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
