youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
