If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
