I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks