i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.