I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
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your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing