Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Randomize
