I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
