I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
