i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize