I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
