i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
