I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You're a waste of cheezeits
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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