There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
