My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
