a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
