nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
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The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
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he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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